Only one, and with my all.

Do you have time for the ramblings of a sleep-deprived thinker? If you continue to read this, you know, you won't be able to use this time to do other things. You have homework, friends you could be talking to, stomach crunches you promised yourself you'd do...

And yet you continue reading, eternally choosing this article over other options which could occupy this present moment. "I guess life's like that," says a friend of mine, in a most Eeyore-esque voice.

And life is like that. In life, there is no way that we can do everything that we want to do. Should you buy new shoes, or save money for that trip you want to take? Should you study all night for that test, or finish early so that you are well-rested for the next day?

We make our decisions, and we can't take them back. What's done is done.

Ever write a really emotional, bomb-shell e-mail to someone, and hovered your mouse pointer over the "send" button for a little while? I used to do this a lot, and think-- well, if I press "send," my life will be changed forever... I would torture myself with my own freedom.

The necessity of decision-making is particularly painful when it comes to people. We must decide who we will love, and how, and when. Sure, you can "love" everyone, in the sense that you wish them well and care for them, but the love I refer to is an action. With only 24 hours in a day, we only have so many minutes, so many seconds, to communicate with and care for others. How do we know who we should spend our moments with? And how should we spend them?

These are tough questions with friends, and even tougher when it comes to romance. There are many people to whom we could and would happily give our time and affection, but our resources are limited. Therefore, we should choose our loved ones carefully, and cherish them. In this light, love is so beautiful! If you love me, you give me care and concern that you could have given to someone else. In economic terms, you are saying that the time you spend with me is worth the "opportunity-cost" of whatever your next choice would be. We often take our friends' care for granted; I think we should try to realize what a privilege it is to have it. Remember that night when I called you up, in tears? You could have gone to the gym, you could have studied for a test, you could have watched the entire 3rd season of Seinfeld. You spent your hours talking with me. I should appreciate that. I will live my life trying to...

We only get to pick one path. In order to say "yes" to the things we care most for, we must say "no" to a plethora of other options... (How can you say that I have a plethora, if you do not know what a plethora is? :) )

I am so sorry that I can not clone myself, and take all the paths that I want to, and be with all the people that I have wanted to. I'm sure you feel the same way-- you too can remember making difficult decisions, where it felt that your heart would explode inside your chest from the weight of your freedom, from the weight of the responsiblity that you bore as you made your choice. Sometimes, we have to say things that we know will hurt others, that we know will make them cry. We have to let go of our old, familiar scenes in order to grow and develop. Sometimes, I think we make honest mistakes. We leave people and things behind that we would have done better to take with us. Instead of living a life of regret, we should take that sadness, that sense of loss, and realize that it is a part of what makes us who we are today. Our present lives, and all of our future successes, are a product of painful decisions.

To all of the worthy people and things that I have said "no" to in the past, I have this to say: Thank you for being a part of who I am. I may not have always made the "right" decisions. Some nights, I will wonder about the "could have beens." I will wonder, because the decision was so hard, because you deserved my time and afffection, because my path seems so unclear. But I can not take back my words, and I can not undo my choices. So I will follow the path that I have chosen, remaining conscious of the others that I did not. And I will appreciate each step as a precious one for which much was sacrificed. And I will not forget what could have been, and I will not forget you. Because I know I have only one life to live, I will put my all into it. I will live it as thoroughly as I can, in your honor.

The Talent Surrounding Me, Part 2

Raul was in the Costa Rican paper (www.nacion.com/proa "Talento Continuo") Sunday! You don't need to go through all of the trouble of following the link; I've uploaded the picture they took (see below) and will give you the low-down!

So basically, Raul and two other guys, (his friends Jose and Jorge) have been in the Youth Orchestra of the Americas for quite a while. This is a prestigious organization made up of young musicians from North, Central and South America. They've been all over the place at all kinds of cool places, like D.C., Mexico and Argentina. These guys hang out with people like Yo-Yo Ma and Placido Domingo. Oh yeah, and last year, they played at Carnegie Hall. Bet you feel crappy now.

There's a section in the article just for Raul, and I'll attempt to roughly translate some of it now. If I totally miss the meaning of entire phrases and paragraphs, please forgive me.

Raul is talking about how he began playing violin:

"They told me that because I was big I had to start with viola. But, at that time there were no violas available, so they gave me a violin. I was enchanted by it and never gave it up," recalls this 21 year-old young man who has earned many national distinctions and has been part of the leading orchestras of the country. In 1994, he was admitted into the Children's Orchestra, two years later, into the Youth Orchestra, where he was first violin (Concert Master!) up to the beginning of this year, and finally, into the National Symphony Orchestra.


I bet it really hurts you to know that if we were in high school, and we were seniors (and in the same country), Raul would take me to prom, and not you.

You'd be sooo jealous, and would stay at home in your pajamas, eating double fudge ice cream and crying.

(just kidding, you would go to prom too. but not with Raul, so you might as well have stayed home.)

Nacion Pic#1 

The Talent Surrounding Me

De La Salle High School Academic Games:
Nationals 2005 Results

Individual
Alex A.-- Undefeated, Equations
Matt M.-- 7th overall, Propaganda
Shawn H.-- 2nd overall, Propaganda
Daniel A.-- 11th overall, Sweestakes--- and in reality,
(though not officially) Undefeated in On-Sets, Equations,
and my Most Outstanding-est Senior

Junior Team
3rd in On-Sets
3rd in Propaganda

Senior Team
3rd in Propaganda
3rd in SWEEPSTAKES

Congratulations to the winners, for all that you have accomplished through your hard work! I am so proud to be a part of your legacy.

NATIONALS!!!!

Going to Nationals to continue the De La Salle Dynasty!
Pray for us, if you do that sort of thing...

I'll get like 4 hours of sleep in the next 4 days--
this is really like a retreat for me, except turbulent and action-packed instead of peaceful.
Nothing exposes true character like a good competition.

Be back Tuesday, and I'll write, I promise!

I'll miss you so much, Nick! What was it, the last 4 Nationals, you were with me?
An era has truly ended--
This one is for you.

Unapologetically all about me.

(written on Monday)

TEN people I enjoy the company of (in no specific order)
Fredy Omar
Keekster!
Nick, the Italian Stallion
Rafael, who is better than this...
Ronia,
Roy,
Sonia (yes, 3 different identities)
*name of person that I really need to catch up with*
Sean! (great chat today)
Raul

NINE things I'm wearing:
A sexy red v-necked blouse that my grandma bought me (what the hell!)
blue jean skirt.
black scrunchi on my wrist.
gold hoop earrings Grandma bought me from Greece.
My hair down! (can you believe it? thank you hair iron!)
Make Up! (please, don't have a heart attack)
simple white undies.
nice beachie sandalias.
my signature smile

EIGHT things on my mind:
Un Tico
school work
my career
What will I do for the summer?
When will I stop procrastinating?
How do I say that in Spanish?
tutoring in an hour
Academic Games Nationals!!!!

SEVEN items I touch everyday:
the shuffle button on my cd player
the computer
my hair (way too much)
a friend
(not Raul)
a phone
Cocaine (stuffed dog that looks like Conan, I didn't name him)
and Cosito (pink bunny that Rafa gave me for Christmas, I named him--yes, boys can be pink!)

SIX things I do everyday:
plan
write
daydream
think too much about things I can't change
sing alone in my room and my car with the music on way louder than the "safety level"
hug people

FIVE things I want to do before I die:
Visit Europe.
Not care what my parents think about my life.
Have children, cherish them, and raise them to work, play, and love with all their energy.
Find a job that I can really believe in.
Be with the person I'm in love with.

FOUR things I would never do:
Mormonism.
Heroin.
Suicide.
Tell a child that they're going to fail.

THREE things I think when I wake up:
I wish, I wish, I wish! (what?! that's just one?)
Where's my planner?
A new day! Yay!

TWO of my favorite foods:
anything with tomatoes
'' '' chocolate

ONE person I love more than any other:

OK, so it's impossible for me to name one, because the "me" I love so much rests on four pillars.
Two are very caring, accepting, and huggable; they are always there for me, and live within a mile of me. Two are very driven and unbelievably strong, and they encourage me to be my best-- one is far north, the other even farther south. All are artists, and I so love to imagine the paint or charcoal-covered hands, the furrowed brow brooding over dialogue, the passionate dances of the bodies with their bows. And sometimes I feel like one of their works in progress, a part of their growing repetoire.
And I love it.

Hahahaha!

Hahahaha...

In life...

there is good and there is evil.
there is Coke, and there is Pepsi...

there are terrorists, and there are shoppers.

-- John McCrea, lead singer of Cake

(increeeeedible live, btw)

Think about it.

Nothing to it!

"There's nothing remarkable about it.

All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time

and the instrument plays itself."

-- Johann Sebastian Bach

On Monday I attended Sonia's master class. I slipped into the room as this articulate, eloquent, brilliant cellist gave advice to the girl who played before Sonia. He encouraged her to play with more emotion, to follow the mood of the piece, and to let the music take "a shape." He asked her what she heard in a certain part-- she said she heard heatbreak and quiet weeping. He said he could envision a deep, mysterious jungle; and when he played, I could hear the music moving down the river, toward Conrad's Congo. As he talked to her and to Sonia, I felt all of the things that I've learned about classical music and its performance synthesize in my mind and in my heart. And when I did music listening homework last night, I can say that I truly appreciated what I heard. I think I understand now.

In the past, I always had trouble paying attention at classical music concerts. I felt like most classical music made really good background music. I mean, unless the music was really lively and exciting, I'd just start daydreaming about a guy or my future tenure as a Supreme Court Justice (hey, I can dream about whatever I want to!). I even fell asleep once during a really "romantic" piece. I respected classical music; I knew it was complicated. I also knew that I was missing something.

Last semester, my attitude began to really improve. Several people that I care about are musicians, and I guess caring about them led me to care for the music more. I watched them carefully as they played, and saw their music as a product of their hard work and passion. I began to really enjoy it, and signed up for a music appreciation class to learn more. Before Monday, the class, which hasn't met my high expectations, was filling me with historical facts and Italian-based terms and helping me to listen for and recognize form and structure (the information was valuable but uninspiring). Thanks to Rafa's history lessons, my favorite new "friend" and an incredible literature teacher, every day I was beginning to understand more and more how classical music fits into the rest of the art world, and how it is a complicated non-verbal expression of the same themes which so fascinate me in literature. The excitement continued to build as I unknowingly approached the breakthrough that would occur at the master class.

There, while about a dozen or so music majors watched at various levels of interest ranging from amusement to utter indifference, I sat in awe. The cellist would explain concepts, and then play to show what he meant. And every time that cellist lifted his bow to illustrate a concept, I heard it! I heard it! I heard how he and the young musician could play the piece, the same notes, at the same tempo, totally differently. For the first time, I realized not only all that the composer can communicate through a composition, but also all of the room for personal expression that the classical musician has. I understood. He talked about texture and using the length of the bow efficiently, about posturing and fingering, about themes and intonation. I followed; wow there was so much to follow! So many times I've listened to musicians solo, and thought "that's nice, they hit every note." But when he played the piece after the students, I heard the skill and all the subtlety that the many extra years of experience brought him. He played with the same ease with which one would speak; notes flowed from his instrument that were clear like words to me. I truly appreciated every note, every measure, and have not listened to classical music in the same way since.

I think that all non-musicians should have to attend a few of these master classes and listen as budding musicians' works are critiqued, so that we would all get a sense of how difficult it is to perform for a living. How much confidence must it take to play in front of such experts! How much humility must it take to listen and undergo the criticism! And after all of that practice! I see now that even hours of daily practice is not enough to make a good musician. Innate talent (of course), extreme dedication, and emotional depth are also required. My musician friends deserve to walk with an air of arrogance for being some of the only people in this world who skillfully straddle both the emotional and intellectual worlds. That we would all live with such passion and commitment to life!